Thursday, February 21, 2008

time off

i have almost completed a week off from work, i have a refreshing 2 weeks off between jobs and it has been great so far.

plans for the first week - nothing. no schedule, no alarm clock, no responsiblities..except the ones i choose to do.

i feel quite calm, serene. i sleep in until my inner clock wakes me up and then i enjoy breakfast and a cup of joe in my PJs as i watch re-runs of my favorie t.v. show or finish reading a book.

sometimes going "somewhere" on vacation, isn't really taking one. it is packing, traveling, arriving, checking in, any mabye still getting phones calls from a co-worker asking just one teensy question.

not having a job right now, allows me to disconnect completly except for those i wish to see.

next weeks plan: go meet my friend for lunch, check out the new gelato place, go to the body works musuem, finish reading my latest book and maybe check out some more golden girl re-runs.

i feel like i could take 2 months of and do nothingness, but for now i will take 2 weeks.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

quote

The difference between try and triumph is a little umph.

-- Source unknown

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

changes

i'm in the wake of another change. work life this time. it will change the time i wake up in the morning, people that i will share a cup of coffee with while chatting over family life. it will change the type of patients i see and talk to. it will change my boss, my clothes and when i get to eat and pee.

i feel good about it though. for the longest time i thought i was done. done with nursing. done with the orders, the nausea the blood counts. so i changed then. i sat at a desk for 3+ years. i emailed and had conversations over the phone with patients. occasionally i would see them and do a little one on one teaching. this is what i needed though. this is what i craved. i needed from the intesity, a distance to let the acute care sizzle on my nervous system fade away.

but now i crave the change again. not acute care, but outpatient and for some reason it feels like the next door to walk through. i need the solitude before starting the new job too. a couple of weeks with no pager, no responsiblities and waking up at my leisure.

change is good. moves things, shakes things up and get things moving. whether good or bad, i am willing to face the consequences.


and on a seperate note - i have noticed that when i made the decision out loud that i was making a change in jobs...this brings forth everyone who wants to tell you their opinion of why that job might be good or bad for you. OR even why that job would be good or bad for them. wtf. can't anyone just say "good luck and best wishes" anymore? let me just say now. i didn't ask for anyone's opinions. which is why i make my own chocies that affect only me.

Monday, January 14, 2008

call out already! (and leave the details out...)

i don't know if it comes with being a nurse but when sick calls are phoned in, it is almost like being a phone triage RN, for your co-workers.

i ask you this...what is wrong with calling in and saying:
"i have the stomach flu"
"i have been sick all night"
"i can't shake a fever"
"i caught the latest bug"
"i have a cold and no energy"

any of these would do. i don't know why, maybe it is a guilt thing...maybe it is too much medical knowledge and you feel the need to prove your illness when you call out sick - but here is what i most hear: (please be advised gruesome details are coming..)

"i have had diarrhea the since 2am and i have been going every 30 minutes, i can't come into work today"

"i have been vomiting since dinner last night, i didn't even digest my food..it just came back up whole! i must of eaten something bad, but i can't come into work today"

"omg, it smells like i have ecoli and i ate some spinach and think i have ecol!, but i don't see any blood in my diarrhea but i am going to stay home today just in case"

"i have the worst fever, i sweated through 3 sets of bedsheets last night and had to take 2 showers already, so i am not coming in today"

UGH!!! i know i am a nurse and used to hearing these sorts of things. but damn! just say you are sick (even if it is mental health...hey i hear you! - but even a fake illness is fine to say "i am sick and can't come in")


And let me just add a side note hear to those "heroes" that come into work sick. you aren't a hero. you are infectious and not impressing anyone. stop being a Martyr and telling everyone how sick you are...but you just couldn't leave us with your work - so you are here even though you should be in bed!! this is why they give plenty of sick days. take one. leave out the details. take care of yourself and get well and then come back to work and tell us an amusing story!


thank you for listening

Saturday, December 15, 2007

it is a hard recovery

when a leukemia patient complains of a a headache you don't give them 2 tyelnol and walk away and hope it goes away from them. you double check their platelets and then send them to a CT scan ASAP. it is the scare that some sort of bleed could be going on inside their head. it will take only a nanosecond to start and a code team with a neurosurgeon on nad to stop.

i have only seen a couple of these in my 12 years of working as a nurse. i had never seen any one die from it. just get a bit confused. we would transfuse them left and right until their platelets had gone to a safe level and everyone would take a deep breath of relief.

one day of working and this way of curing the bleed changed my belief. it happened so quickly. confusion at 12pm, count check at 1210, she complains of a severe headache at 1220, head scan at 1230 that showed 2 new bleeds. 1240 neurosurgeon at the bedside doing an exam. 1250 the woman's pupils became fixed. 1251 we intubated her, 1257 a new scan was obtained and a total of 4 bleeds became known. 130 the family is at the bedside saying goodbye, they did not want to keep her on the vent, since it was near impossible for her brain to recover. 200 we extubate. 245 she died. at 730am that morning she said good morning to me as she ate her blueberry muffin and sipped her coffee.

i know the text books tell me how these things happen. i know there is medical law and reason that explains the whys. but nothing can stop it replaying in my mind. there laws, the reasons don't make me stop dreaming about it. dont make me stop wondering if i should of done something sooner, did i not notice anything odd in my morning assessment? no she was talking, pupils were equal and reacted to light.
it was a death that is hard to forget. i couldn't stop the tears the day after. did i know this woman more than a day? no. but does that matter? i hope not. it was watching a mother die. it was watching a family greive. it was watching a life slip away no matter what we did to try and stop that. it was overwhelming and even now thinking of it, i can't help but feel a heaviness in my chest.

i was watching the end of the movie: Legends of the Falls today. at the end of the movie, it speaks of how Tristan the main character died a "good death". hmm. what is that? it wasn't like he was in bed squeezing the hands of his loved ones and saying goodbye. more i would think that he lived his life as best as he could and even if his last words were not to his family, they had no doubts of how he felt about them. this made me think of her. she may not of said goodbye probably in the way she wanted. but by the circle of family around her that cried and hugged and spoke to her unconscious body - it was pretty obvious they had received love from this woman. this is what gives me comfort.

Monday, October 15, 2007

the marathon

brutal. almost more mentally than physically.

this was my 3rd one, but by far the most difficult for me to finish! there was something in the last 6miles that i almost cried. it could of been the 3 hills in my view as i shuffled my way up those monsters, or it could of been the terrible aching i felt in my lower back and legs that begged me to stop the pounding. it could of been the dead silence...the pack of runners were no longer chit-chatting, we were conserving energy and hardly any crowds of people were out to cheer us on. it was lonely with myself and the "i just want to quit" thoughts...but i told them to shut up everytime it entered my mind.

i had to reach down somewhere deep to get those last miles down, no matter how slowly. by far an accomplisment, but not the one i set out for. i wanted to conquer my time from last year, instead i slayed the nasty negative mind beasts that told me i couldnt do it. screw them.

this one was local - so i had friends who held up a swedish fish stand for runner and also gave out "free high fives". my parents, sisters, nephews and BF held up the other end of town. which i am so grateful for. instead of thinking constantly of 26 miles, i would think ...only 4 more miles to BF and family. only 3 more miles to funny friends and swedish fish!!

i want to send some snaps out to my fellow runners:

the old dude who passed me and pissed me off (but inspired me to run faster...for awhile)

the guy who juggled his way through the marathon. juggling. necessary?

the "lighthouse guy". this dude made a cardboard light house and put it over himself, only enough cut out that you could see his face.

the kenyans who finished 2hours ahead of me. how in the world do they do it???

the other old man who was bragging that he was going to do 4 more marathons in the next two weeks and how he was getting up on sunday to do another one! i told him i was sitting on the couch and watching fball and then i ran away from the fool.


other side notes:

i knew the carbo-loading itlian restuarants menu better than the course map.

i could care less if i ever eat "gu" again. nasty stuff in pudding-esqe form, they made a power bar basically into a squeezable pack that you can shot into your mouth for quick energy. ew

the really cute couple in a fun neighborhood handed out bananas and i totally ate one. so needed and so appreciated.

i am not doing another marathon next year, but i am already thinking about a sprint triathalon that i could try.

are my thighs ever going to stop hurting?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

my rant about work life

you will have to excuse me but i am feeling extraordinarily bitchy this week. part of having this blog is so i can vent and let out frustrations. this week, it is about people in my world that i have judged and been seriously annoyed with...and so far don't feel guilty.


the elevator people
the ones who face you instead of the open door and stare at you. i can feel them, i even look them in the eye as to say "i know you are looking and deciding if my outfit is good for me or bad hair day or bad choice of food - but damn can't you do this descreatly" and yet they don't see me deflecting their lock down..they just continue.
the ones who are perfectly healthy and will wait 10minutes for an elevator to show up, instead of walking up a half of flight of stairs. and for the purpose of this blog I actually counted them. there is 8 measly steps and they take the elevator.


my cube neighbor
in the land of cubes oriented offices, you can't help but hear other people on the phone b/c we dont have a door closing other people off. most of us listen but don't ask the coworker about their conversation....unless invited to.
my neighbor thinks everything i say is for her ears and that she gets to ask me all about it. it can be personal or business .... but she sees it as a free-for-all. so i don't discuss anything high profile at work. i even have a pass code with one of my good friends. if i say "stephanie and cliff are going to the cleaners" that means i have something important to say but will need to wait until after work to discuss.
she also is my personal scale. she lets me know when i have lost weight, if i have lost too much weight, what i have eaten for the day and if my pants are "too loose on me." if i am still running, working out and eating well (this is implied when i have gained weight)
she wants to know if my BF has meet my parents, if we have discussed marriage, if he wants to have kids, what is his backround story, has he been divorced, what does he do for a living, we will get engaged anytime soon, do we spend a lot of time together and my personal favorite " will we live together before we get married". my mother doesnt even ask this many questions. (*authors note* i don't gush about the BF in front of this woman. all she knows is i have a wonderful BF and "things are going well"....and these are the questions that follow that small amount of info.)
sometimes i can handle her knowing she is just trying to be nice. sometimes i want to knock her out with a slap of a saucepan on the back of her head. today i choose the latter.
everyday. every fricken day. some form of this is what i encounter. i want to TP her house.

the subway people who work at the hospital
they are mean and hate to serve people (to the workers and to the patients) all of them, even the manager. they won't look you in the eye. they seem disturbed that you order provolone instead of american cheese and actually roll their eyes when you want a combo meal. don't even ask for a cookie or you might get slapped. pricks. i now longer go there. i would rather fast for days then ever encounter their negative 'tudes again.

the general people who just look you up and down and then talk to a body part instead of looking in your eyes
maybe b/c it is one of my biggest pet peeves that it has happened to me so much this week and i have wanted to jolt them with a "what are you looking at?!!!" but i pretend i am more mature that that. i have already mentioned the cube neighbor. she looks me up and down once a day. (she is koo koo)
but a mass majority of other people i work with has done this all week...which has lead me to wear my long labcoat on ALL DAY long!! i feel like i am being visually invaded. my only defense.
yes i realize that a lot of this is my own personal bitchiness.
yes i realize i probably won't care next week about any of this. but today i needed to vent about the crazy people that are in my life by consequence, not choice.